d.b.a. Songwriters: Don’t Say It, Show It

I had a client who just sent me his 3rd rewrite on a love song. He got my critique and he sent his rewrite the next day! Nothing annoys me more than receiving a rewrite in less than 24 hours. Nobody’s that good. I will remind him that it took Gretchen Peters a year to come up with the perfect line that would finally complete “Independence Day.” And she’s Gretchen Peters.

His song was full of clichés like, “She makes all my dreams come true,” “she’s the apple of my eye” and “I need her to survive.” It got me thinking…why do statements like that leave us so…nonplussed?

I think I may have figured out at least a part of it. Let’s say I go to the best vacation spot I’ve ever gone. It’s truly a first for me. I’ve never seen any place so beautiful in my life. Then I call you up to try to tell you about it and I try to persuade you to go there. No matter how many times I tell you, “It’s awesome! It’s terrific! It’s spectacular! It’s amazing!” and no matter how loud my voice is when I tell you, you’re only going to get so excited. You’ll probably say, “Ok, ok!”, but you’ll probably think, “Can you please leave me alone now?”

Until I tell you why this place was so amazing, using descriptions, imagery, or anecdotes that will inspire you personally, there simply won’t be a way for you to connect. It’s the same in a song. For instance, if I say…

She lets my mistakes slip by

….you’ll be thinking, “That’s great. So what?” But if I say…

When I spill a gallon of milk, she smiles and rolls her eyes

…you might think, “Now that’s my kind of woman!”

We’re people. We need beautiful pictures. We need interesting examples. We need real life. As songwriters, our charge is to provide the world with just those things…and to set them to music so they sound even more beautiful, interesting and real. The listeners of the world desperately want to know how the phrase, “she’s amazing” plays out in the real world by someone who knows first hand.

Reviewing my client’s song made me think of another song. It’s not a new song but it’s a song that I wish I’d written. It’s also a song that couldn’t demonstrate my point any more clearly.

“She’s Everything”
By Wil Nance and Brad Paisley

She’s a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She’s I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She’s I can’t find a thing to wear
Now and then she’s moody

She’s a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowing
She’s a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She’s a warm conversation
That I wouldn’t miss for nothing
She’s a fighter when she’s mad
And she’s a lover when she’s loving

[Chorus]
And she’s everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
‘Cause she’s everything to me

She’s a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She’s a cross around her neck
And a cuss word ’cause its Monday
She’s a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She’s a one glass of wine
And she’s feeling kinda tipsy

She’s the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She’s a picture in my wallet
Of my unborn children’s mother
She’s the hand that I’m holding
When I’m on my knees and praying
She’s the answer to my prayer
And she’s the song that I’m playing

[Repeat chorus]

She’s the voice I love to hear
Someday when I’m ninety
She’s that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Every day that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she’s the one
That I’d lay down my own life for

And she’s everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She’s everything to me
Yeah she’s everything to me

Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She’s everything to me

I have to be honest, if I’d come up with the following four lines, I might have been tempted to think all I had to do was round off the edges on my bridge a little before getting my pitch packages together.

She’s a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She’s a cross around her neck
And a cuss word ’cause its Monday

Where the mere mortal’s list of actual substantive illustrations may have stopped there, the list in this song continues, as the chorus line suggests, on and on and on. It seems endless, which is a powerful song device in and of itself…seems there’s always something you didn’t catch the last time you heard it. It’s like they thought of everything…every phrase, picture, or instance that could possibly describe this woman…and every one is a pure gem. Don’t you wish you could go on and on and on like that? The sheer number of interesting, compelling, amusing, thoughtful, considerate, loving, appreciative and, for lack of a better word, lovely images, anecdotes and descriptions that are presented in glorifying this woman, is nothing less than mind-boggling.

But wait, there’s more!

Wil and Brad have accomplished what every songwriter must accomplish if there’s any desire whatsoever to hear their songs on the radio: They found a new way to say the same old stuff. They didn’t just say she’s beautiful. They told us what makes her beautiful. They didn’t just say she’s lovable. They told us what makes her loveable. It’s a list song, but it’s not just a list of adjectives. It’s a list of things we all see in our own lives and in the lives of our loved ones. When he sings to us about her, in our minds he’s signing to us about us. Face it, there are more things in this list that are true about you (and/or your loved one) than things that aren’t. We get it. We know what’s up. Songwriters making their listeners feel smart; wow, what a concept.

The singer paints this absolutely beautiful picture of his true love, yet interestingly, it’s not her that comes out looking like the saint. It’s the singer that emerges looking holier than thou. Saying all those amazing things about this girl proves that he’s obviously sensitive, loving, caring, observant, supportive, concerned, amusing, tender, aware, honest, involved, and most of all (here it comes, ladies!), appreciative. What more could a woman want in a man than? And, as a songwriter, what more could you want in your catalog than a song that makes a singer look that good? (I mention this in passing, just in case some of you might be trying to get a cut these days…)

This song makes you love your wife more than you did before you heard it, and it wasn’t even written about your wife. If you can pull that off as a songwriter, I’d say you’ve got a pretty good handle on the craft.

I’ve been told it’s better to “love you” than “love her” in a lyric because it’s more personal. These writers cleverly extended that line of thinking by saying she is a cussword ‘cuz it’s Monday, and she is I want a piece of chocolate, rather than try to explain what it is about her that makes her so special, or so funny, or so real. Admit it, you’d never seen that done before in a song, yet you got it instantly.

At first glance the chorus could be mistaken for pure cliché. After all, “She’s everything I ever wanted, she’s everything I need” isn’t exactly boldly going where no man has gone before. But it’s exactly what the writers want to say. They weren’t leaning on cliché by saying the most pertinent, accurate, and perfect thing that could be said, considering the context of the lyric. After all, if she’s really all of these things (and don’t forget, they did list everything), then they more than qualify to say she’s everything without the cliché police issuing a warrant. And, of course, it’s the title of the song.

The next time you’re tempted to say you love her because of “the way she makes me feel,” consider taking it up a notch. Tell us how she makes you feel, and tell us exactly. Give us lots of examples using your own language…which, of course, is our language too. (Remember? We’re smart. We get it.) And don’t forget to tell us in a way that’s never been done before….and in a way that makes the singing star also look like a star at home. Hey, how hard can that be, right? Ugh…..

It may sound impossible, but it all starts by you not telling us about it, but rather telling us what it is: what it looks like, how it feels, how it sounds, and on and on and on…

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Bill Renfrew has an extensive background in teaching songwriting and evaluating songs, and has years of professional experience consulting on songwriting and song rewriting, which he does through his website. He owns and operates Write THIS Music, an independent music publishing company, and Bombshelter Recording Studio, both of which are located in Nashville, TN. For more Renfrew, check out Writethismusic.com.